Only Child Project General Discussion

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[Nicole]

Hi Portia. I read your post above as well, it is so good to have some insights.
I really feel for you when dealing with your daughter’s shyness. I and my husband are shy and my 5year old boy seems to be following in our footsteps. I am not sure when you developed your ‘survival techniques’ to combat the shyness, but mine did not come until i had left school and was working. Your little one is still young and may change in the coming years. As an aside, i had 3 brothers……. so, it was just within me to be a shy person. As a result, and i think this is your concern, it may not be because your little one is an only, but this is her personality. I find generally with shyness comes a thoughtful and caring person as well – HTH
Is there something that she really enjoys or that you have noticed she excels at? Perhaps focusing on this may distract her and build up her confidence. I have also found that i needed to teach my little one some conversation techniques such as asking particular questions when he meets someone – for us shy people it is really hard to think of what to say sometimes.
I am not sure if i have been of help, but i definately feel for you. Let me know how all is going!

[Portia]

I see many people in life who have difficult, sometimes toxic, relationships with siblings. I’m sure those people would think they’re better off without a sibling. On the other hand, I know people who consider their sibling their best friend. I am an only child, age 50, who believes that God has given me the family that I have and I have not spent alot of time bemoaning circumstances I have no control over. When I was told I would never have a baby after cancer, I cried and then I got on with my life. God had other plans. My 8 year old was an unexpected miracle. But, again, she is an only child and she bemoans her circumstances. At her school there are very few only children in her class. Sometimes when she is left out or doesn’t fit in she dwells on the fact that they all have brothers and sisters and she doesn’t. Sometimes, I think a sibling relationship represents something that others can’t share or take away from you. Her father tells her about the difficult experiences he had with his sisters and brother. I tell her that someday when she is married she can have a larger family if that is her choice. She tells me she can’t concentrate at school because she is thinking about having brothers and sisters. My husband tells her to get over it. I love my child and would love to make her life as perfect as possible but alas I can’t. So at this young age she must learn a valuable lesson of life. We don’t always get what we want. And, sometimes God knows better than we do. Be careful what you ask for because you might get it comes to mind. In Sott Peck’s book The Road Less Traveled, the first sentence says Life is Hard. And so it is. I believe it is hard for everybody for different reasons. At 8, this is her reason. Someday she will have enough experiences in life to find some pros as well as cons to being an only child. In the meantime, we work to give her some perspective abouthow it all works in this big world.

[Nicole]

I have a friend whose father had parkinsons and she tried very hard to deal with it together with her brother. They were never very close but still in contact with each other. Many fights etc occurred in the final years and it was horrible to watch it all unfold. My dear friend has decided to have just one child – i believe in most part due to her experiences etc throughout her life. I think she would be very apreciative that you posted your view point. I will pass this on. All the best.

[wyatt’smom]

What a blessing to find this website and know that all my fears are real and shared. I am struggling with guilt for my 9 yr. old son. He is amazing of course. We had him late in life 40 yrs. and were blessed!!! But, then we tried for over 4 years to add to our family naturally – no luck. Now, I am so guilty – in menopause and no natural way left??? My sis-in-law is my age 49 and through IVF and donor egg is expecting triplets. I have been having a tough time – jealous and not. I love our small family – but, I have craved more for our son. I wish there was a cure for the guilt??? Not possible. Part of life and part of onlies not by choice! Thanks to all who shared and help me with your brave words. Peace!

[adminKeymaster]

@Sherri,
If loneliness is the only or main problem, you could set up a local Only Child Network. It will be something like:
yourtownname.onlychildproject.com
You could then manage the site, arrange for local only child activities, and get others involved. Others can sign up onto your site.
Let me know.

[Sherri]

I am so glad I found this website. I always wanted a big family, but my husband and I have only been able to have one, beautiful, bright and hilarious 9 yo boy. Even though I am 45 I would love to have another baby. But it took 4 years to conceive our son. I never thought it would be a problem – my Mom has 4 children and that’s not including a couple of miscarriages. For a reason undiscovered I do not conceive easily. To add to that our economic circumstances and a rocky relationship have been prohibitive as well,even if biology was no factor. I feel guilty very often, though there have been occasions that I have accepted our family as it is. In fact I was feeling pretty at peace until recently when my ds has brought up his desire for siblings several times. Most recently was today. When I asked him why he wanted siblings he said because everyone else has siblings. And he said our dog did not make a very good brother (he’s always called him his brother, which breaks my heart). And he said, “you have your sister.” Eventually he admitted he was lonely. It just broke my heart!! I explained to him that there are good things about being an only (although I was hard-pressed to think of any) and bad things about being a sibling and that no one’s life is exactly the way they want it to be. But I feel so badly about it. Mostly his loneliness!! We have no family close by and he is the only grandchild in my family. There are no cousins on my side – only 2 on ds’s side, but he and his sister are estranged and they live on the opposite coast anyway.

That said I grew up with a slew of cousins and two brothers and I am not in touch nor close to any of them now! Many of them, sadly, have drug and alcohol problems.

We’re also new to our area, which is hard. He plays soccer, but no one seems to make friends on the soccer team…and we are involved at church and with another group, but it’s still hard to make close friends. Though he had a birthday party last year and 25 kids came (I was so surprised and grateful)! But he wasn’t invited to one birthday. No one invites him over. But he seems well liked. So I don’t know…it’s just hard. In our old home, we had friends to get together with.

He plays well by himself, but he just has to do it too much.

But it’s nice to know there are others out there and I am not completely alone.

Blessings,
Sherri

[severine]

Thanks for this book review, it made me buy the book b/c it’s one of the most recently published.

[Janeen]

I am so grateful that I was an only child and having to deal with my father who had Parkinson’s disease. It was a real blessing for I never had to argue with a sibling over his care, going in/out of a court system sharing the liquidation of his assets, or the emotional side with another person. It was a real blessing and many friends were available to provide me help when I needed it.

[adminKeymaster]

I would then ask: why bother? But that’s just me…
If there’s more than an average risk accompanying having a second child, maybe you should think within yourself, and ask WHY you need a second child. May be write a list of priorities 😕

[Chintu]

Hi Everyone out there,
Read all the messages submitted here, also happy that there is a space to add on my thoughts too..having an only child is really inducing so much of guilt in me too….my problem being having had a c-section and then another surgical procedure for incisional hernia….do i jeopardize a second pregnancy and strain my lower part of my body…what if the weight of the pregnancy causes another hernia..then i will require a c-section procedure anyways to deliver the baby and another open surgical procedure to repair the hernia…the third operation would be done for sure to take out the baby, and the next lies on a clause – ‘if my intestine weakens again’. If it does….do i take care of myself, the baby born or the first child…hahaha…my predicament would be pathetic…and for all u know, all the great advising folks would now start talking why i should have jeopardised my health knowing all these facts…do i circulate a notice and send it across to all…or plan how well i can bring up the darling one whom i have now….God only knows….Hope i will hear an answer to my hearts fears….

[Author]

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