Only Child Project General Discussion

You can ask questions, post comments and answer other parents’ questions.

Topic

[sputnick]

Although in many places, having an only child is the norm (like in China), please remember that in some countries in Europe, its partly a growing trend. Some places like in the rural USofA and Africa do not have the only child trend. I am saying this because I beleive that the only child trend is growing even in places where it is considered ‘abnormal’. Take heart folks, its just a matter of time.
Besides, isn’t it all a matter of the local culture? When the local culture changes, you will no longer have the feel of guilt.
In the past, I have felt a lot better just talking about my problems in an anonymous place like the internet. Just talking it out and reading other people who are in the same situtation helped me enormously.

[Hillary]

I have such horrible guilt as of late. I have a happy, healthy 4 year old. We love her to pieces. And yet because of secondary infertility, I feel like I am denying her something so basic. I feel a tremendous amount of personal failure at times. And because of my age I also have so much worry about continuing to pursue having a second child. And then I think, as much as I would love to experience a baby again, I am one year away from kindergarten and how nice it would be to have a piece of my own life back, perhaps go back to work. I feel stuck asking friends for advice or counsel because I don’t know many people in my situation. These on-line chats help me to make sense of it all. I know in the grand scheme of life, I am so fortunate and try to keep focused on that.

[beat4]

Long distance relationship with parents…hmmm…that must be me. But my parents are so very stubborn, they don’t want to leave their really old home and stay close to me. Even though I am their only child, and I have an only child.
I guess they know when to let go, really let go…

[ellen]

I cannot agree more.
2 years after my child was born, we started trying for the second one. But it didn’t work out because of 2ndry infertility. We couldn’t afford treatment, so we kept trying. Hubbie was happy – or rather, he grew happy. He kept telling me that one can also be enough, and that we can give our only child all the best.
I was resentful initially, but I too started accepting the situation. Once I got out of my hurt and anger mode, it became much better. Now my only child Sarah is 6 years old, and I couldn’t be happier.
So, it was just the concept of accepting your situation- coming to terms with it. Then the rest becomes very easy.

[rosysmamma]

I was moved by this story.
I too ended up in the only child category for reasons that were beyond our control.
People still keep asking us about when we are going to have the second child. My first and only child is 6 years old, and why don’t people get a clue from that. When I say “Medical Reason”, friends continue probing: like “what medical reason”, “don’t trust these doctors”. I just shut my brain off or rather tune them out. And then, I watch their lips, fingers and other parts of the body, but on mute mode. People quickly stop the conversation when I do that. The little evil person in me.

[pat]

Yeah I agree. I already have the best child in the world. hmmmm, let’s see, then: why do people keep telling me I need to have more?
Although the story was moving, I think there’s more to it. The instinct to have children is very basic. For some, it is too strong. They would hurt more, wouldn’t they?

[DebbieW]

I come from a family of six kids. My parents still call me and check on things. Although I disliked it during my teens, I have grown up. I now appreciate them not letting go. They still advice me on a lot of life’s issues- without interfering in my marriage or parenting of my only child.
Why I am writing this is to ask this question:
When parents have 6 kids, they will have to spend equal time with all of them. But what happens if you have an only child? It is more difficult for parents of only children to let go completely or stay out of their lives.
May be the part of nourishing your marriage/relationship might be a very good thing for in this situation. That way, when the child grows up, you have mom and dad giving each other companionship, without having to constantly be in your only child’s life.
I would love to hear what others have to say.

[Emer]

My son is nearly eight. I had such a difficult time living in a dysfunctional family, ending up playing reversal roles,in that I was the parent, parenting my 3 siblings. I felt that I had a lifetime lived before I married and had my son.

Originally I didn’t want to bring any children in to what I saw as a miserably and painful existence. But when I met my husband, nature kicked in and I yearned for a child. I decided that unless I experience that yearning again I would try to just have one child, being responsible financially etc

I do worry that he is developing normally and worry that he is more mature than his peers. I had siblings and yet I experienced the same thing. I was much more mature than my peers.

We try to emerge him in clubs of different kinds so as to give him the opportunity to interact and make friends.

I think no matter whether we have only children or not we will always worry and always wonder if we are doing what’s right for them. My brother has a large family and he worries that they will not have as much financially as other kids and worries that he doesn’t enough quality time with each child etc etc.

The most important thing in the world as far as I’m concerned is that each and every child feels that they are LOVED!!! If the child knows that they are loved, I believe that everything else can be rectified.

[adminKeymaster]

Found some more:
** We plan to clone our only child in 2008. Two, for the price of one.
** The last one didn”t come with any warranty or owner”s manual. The hospital refused to admit that they misled us. We are not going through with it again.
** But you can’t handle the truth.
** Why, why, why, oooohhhhh god, why????
** He had an accident, you know, there…
** My therapist doesn”t agree. Would you like a session with her, its only $300 an hour? May be you could convince her.

[adminKeymaster]

Top 10 list of answers to the “When are you having a second child??”. There are more than 10 here. Not in any particular order. Apologies to the contributors- their names are not added in the list since it was taken out of a raw database. The forum will be re-installed soon. Waiting for a software update/ new version from WordPress…

1) We forgot the art of having kids. Tell me, oh, please tell me, howwww?
Changing diapers was fun in the begining, but as the baby grows up, it is not fun anymore. Why would I repeat this process?
2) I live in a country where I am not allowed to make choices.
3) I am trying to conserve resources and reduce global warming.
4) Its been done to death. I want to try this new trend.
5) It was part of my parole conditions.
6) My cult doesn”t allow it.
7) My spiritual master has warned me that my next child would not be a human but a Dodo coming back from extinction. I don”t like flightless birds, they are no fun to hunt.
8) One is simpler than two.
9) We tried artificial insemination, but the doctor is not upto it anymore.
10) We live in a homeless shelter these days, and you know what privacy there is like.
11) I signed a pledge with the government not to have any more. No, not the Federal Government.
12) We claim the only child tax benefit. We file our taxes in the Island of Taramaro Republic.
13) Our computer has been infected with a virus, and we are afraid it will spread to the baby that we conceive.

[Author]

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