Only Child Project General Discussion

 

Only Children Forums Discussion Forum Only Child Project General Discussion

This topic contains 235 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  maalvika 1 year, 7 months ago.

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  • #217

    admin
    Keymaster
    You can ask questions, post comments and answer other parents’ questions.
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  • #417

    Anonymous

    Hello All,

    Having a bad day on the only child issue today and needed to write. I feel like everywhere I turn I see 2 siblings happy and playing, and being with each other, having each other’s company, and it rips at my heart like words could not explain. My husband and I personally do not want to have another child, but the guilt is so strong on most day, I fear I will do it for my 5 year old son who is the most social boy I have ever known, and who constantly wants his friends to come over because he is lonely being the only child in the room. He is a very happy guy, but I know he longs for some company. Part of me knows that if I had a baby now, which I cannot afford anyway, he would not be able to play with him/her like he wants. He wants another 5 year old. And, I fear that I will resent him and the baby if I had another and did all the sacrificing for the baby that I don’t want to do and he didn’t play with him/her, and had the same issues, I think I would freak….because I know I had the baby for him and not us. Oh, I am not sure this is all making any sense. My head is spinning and my chest heavy heavy with guilt, I don’t think this guilt will ever go away…will it?
    Janice

    #416

    admin
    Keymaster

    A writer from the New York Post wants to talk to parents of onlies…

    “… looking for couples who’ve decided to stop at one child because of the economy. This is tied to the recent reports about how the US birth rate is dropping because of the recession….”

    Please let me know if you are interested. You can post your response here or send us an Email at onlychildproject@hotmail.com
    Thanks!!!!!!!!!!
    Manika/Admin

    #415

    Janice

    Hello ladies,

    I had an epiphany tonight, which you would think would be obvious. There is no denying, and every mother would tell you whether they have 1 or more children, that having kids is difficult, tiring, and comes with so much sacrifice, that it is just something that you cannot do without knowing for 100% that this is what you really want, as that is what will get you through those difficult times. I know when I wanted to get pregnant with Jakob that it was right, I knew it and I felt it. Now that feeling is not there, and unless it returns and I just know it in myself that I want another, 1 will have to do for everyone.

    Thanks for “listening” ladies, it means a lot.
    Janice

    #414

    Carolyn

    I feel bad reading Janice’s post, because she is getting all of this input from people who are making her doubt her own feelings, and making her feel guilty.

    Janice…

    Do not feel guilty! Do what you feel is right for you. Having a second child to appease friends, neighbors and family is silly. Unless those people plan on coming to your house and raising your kids, they don’t get a vote!

    Also, your son is now 5 years old. If you get pregnant tomorrow, there will be a 6 year spread in your kids’ ages. Not ideal for the “sibling as playmate” scenario.

    As for “thinking past the baby stage”, here is something funny to think about. I have 2 kids, one in high school and one in college. The day after my son left for college, a family member commented on my daughter’s behavior by saying “She’s already acting spoiled, because now she’s an only child.”

    In case you are wondering why I have 2 kids (not to mention 3 step kids, too) and I am posting here, it is because I am an adult only child. I always wanted 2 kids, because I didn’t want my kids getting the grief I get about being an only. When we started our family and I had a difficult time getting pregnant, we immediately started looking into adoption. The result – one adopted, one biological. Those early years were tough, but we are past that baby stage. And we are past the school age stage, and we are almost past the teenage stage. And it’s all been a challenge on some level.

    So after going through so much to give my kids a “normal” childhood, my daughter is dubbed an only now that her brother is gone?!?? She thinks it’s funny, because we’ve always gotten some grief about our son being adopted. Someone once said that he isn’t a “real” child, so we tease him about not being real, and we tell her that since he isn’t real, she’s an only and should demand to be spoiled. (I always joke about my being an only and thus terribly spoiled.) Add the 3 step siblings, and it gets even funnier. Recently she was filling out a school form that asked how many siblings she has, so she had to decide if she has no siblings, 1 sibling, or 4 siblings.

    She always says she has 4 siblings. And my son knows that he is real, and loved. And my daughter doesn’t act like a “spoiled only child”, she acts like a normal 16 year old. And I get accused of being a “spoiled only child” even though I am neither spoiled, nor a child. That’s life.

    Families come in all shapes and sizes, and they all have a story. Enjoy your family, make your own stories, and don’t change anything to appease others.

    #413

    Emilia Liz

    To Janice,

    Great, another Canadian on this board! I live in Toronto, which isn’t really near to where you are, but it’s in the same province and general area.

    Just a few words of advice… well, maybe not advice; I’m not a psychologist. I always think that it’s better to regret not having a second child than to have a second child and later regret having him or her. That is not to say that you would regret having a second, but I do think you shouldn’t have a child because you feel you must have one for your existing son, for your family members, etcetera. I know that the one-child choice may not be the majority choice and that maybe most women with 2+ kids in the same age bracket are happy, but I know myself well enough to know that I personally wouldn’t be.

    Now to the “selfish” thing. I know parents of only children are often accused of being “selfish.” My answer to that is that we’re all selfish. I was thinking of myself and what I wanted when I decided to have only one child. The woman who has 10 kids was thinking of herself when she decided to have 10 kids because that’s what she wanted. The couple who decides not to have children at all are thinking of themselves because that’s what they wanted.

    About “depriving” your son of a sibling, maybe we’re all depriving our children of something or other. I’m depriving my daughter of a mother who goes on camping trips with her because I hate camping (when she’s older she can go with her school). So do what feels comfortable for yourself, not what others want for you and your family.

    #412

    Janice

    Wow, I may sound crazy right now after reading all of the posts since my original message in May I want to cry..with joy. To see that I am not alone and that so many women from all over feel just like me gives me such a freedom I cannot put into words. I have been plagued with this same subject of all of these posts, whether to have another child or not, pretty much since my son turned around 1. He is 5 now and nothing has changed. I still struggle with it pretty much constantly. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I KNOW I do not want another child. And as so many of you have mentioned that makes me laugh because it is so true for me as well, my husband is so content and sure about only having the one child that I want to choke him sometimes! I have read through all of your comments and you are all exactly like me, people who reason, think through things very thoroughly, probably not accused of being spontaneous very often, and people who weigh pros and cons of most things in our lives. Sometimes I wonder if that is always a good thing, or sometimes a bad thing…should we all be picking apart every angle of this or should we be more risk takers or just not so analytical with this.I have a friend who is currently pregnant with her third and I envy her to no end as she is sooo content with her children, who by the way have not been easy. They are both under 4 and she is probably the happies person I know. My sister-in-law one days said something to me that stuck with me. She said, why don’t you want another one? When I said I don’t want to have to deal with all of the responsibility, she said, “their not small forever, after 2 or 3 years they are off playing with their sibling and starting on their way to be as independent as they do become as they grow older”. I had never really thought past the baby stage, which I hear the most from everyone on this post. Do you guys every think of that?…the fact that the baby part is really not that long and then you have a kid to deal with that is nowhere as challenging. Do you think this is worth considering or would/should it influence the decision to have another? At the same time, I think, wow, 2 kids to feed, bathe, do homework with, pay for sports, take to sports, deal with issues with such as socially (friends, lack of if that were to happen, etc.) and it makes my head spin. Also, by the way, she has 3 kids and is quite miserable in her life. Not with her kids, but I think all of the baggage that comes with having multiple children; money constraints, minimal or not time for herself, etc. I really, really do not want that to be me. But I listen to myself and it all seems to speculative. You just really do not know what will happen if you have another. Are we just too scared? What if we have another and it made out lives that much richer? The speculating in either direction, whether life would be “better” or “worse” drives me mad. I often wish I could be someone else, feel like someone else. Why can’t I have the patience, desire, ability to keep it together like other moms I see with 2 kids? Why do I have to be this person who is more interested in getting back into shape and starting to look attractive again and care about that again like I used to, want to go back to school, have a life with my husband again, which has only started again in the last year since Jakob has been 4 and more independent which feels great too. I know you can’t think about trying to be someone I am not, but I know I would be the devil woman if I had another, the patience just isn’t there, neither is the desire to give what little time I do have for myself, to another child. I know I am rambling here but it feels good so I will keep doing it. Well, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am not that all encompased mom that loves being with her kids and not needing to anything else in any major way, that is just not who I am.I don’t just want to be mom, I love being a mom, my son is the light of our lives, but I also want to be a woman, a wife, an individual, and have a part of my life for myself too. I just often feel that this person that I know I am is not fair to my child becase he is missing out on a life with a brother or sister and maybe a great friend and companion, because I am selfish and wanting to spend that time for me and not them….sigh…oh my, I think I am beating myself up quite a bit here but I guess it is who I feel, disappointed in myself but unable to change to that person I wish I could be but am not…..sniff.

    Just also want to say how much I absolutely love this post and appreciate so much all of you guys and your comments and willingness to be open and spill your guts about all of this, it is really therapy for us all. I love being a woman.

    If anyone writing lives in the Simcoe County area in Ontario north of Toronto, do contact me. I would love to connect with another single child mom in my area face to face.

    Keep all of the posts coming ladies, it is food to our souls.

    Janice xo

    #411

    admin
    Keymaster

    Dear Parents of Onlies,
    We were recently contacted by one of the bigger radio shows in the UK. They would like to speak to parents of onlies for an upcoming production.
    They, however, do require participants to be physically present in London or thereabouts.
    If anyone is interested, please either drop us a line at
    onlychildproject@hotmail.com or just post on this forum.
    Manika (Admin)

    #410

    Jeff Mueller

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONBjEEpKrH0&feature=channel

    Here is a short video that captures the feelings/thoughts of EVERY ‘only child’ at one time or another. Please post feedback. Thank you…….Jeff

    #409

    OneMomOneDadOneChild
    #408

    Alicia

    This is a great resource! I am the mom of an only child. We are not having any more children. I like to say that my husband is “fixed”. He didn’t want any other children and I convinced him to try for another when my son was 18 months old. I lost our 2nd child at 18 weeks gestation. We decided at that point we were happy with our family of 3 and we have not looked back. We are so sure that I write an only child blog called the Only Child Option.
    http://www.only-child-option.com/

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