Only Child Project General Discussion

 

Only Children Forums Discussion Forum Only Child Project General Discussion

This topic contains 235 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  maalvika 4 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #407

    Emilia Liz

    Dear Carolyn,

    Thank you for your contribution. I’m always interested to hear what the experiences of only children themselves were – how our children might come to look at their own childhood.

    I find it interesting that you’re raising two children. My daughter now says that she wants two babies (I guess she’s not going past the baby stage at this moment). But I tell her any number of kids she has is fine by me.

    Oh, and for people who say that only children are selfish, I’ve got this response from a woman who was an only children and wrote about it on her website: St. Nick was an only child.

    #406

    Carolyn

    I am an adult only child, and while I can’t say I had an ideal childhood, I grew up fine. My biggest only-related problem at this point is the insensitive and unfair comments I get from friends. They tend to assume to know what my childhood was like, and assume that everything I felt or feel is somehow related to my being an only. It’s a form of prejudice, one that I find offensive.

    A lot of factors make up someone’s childhood and ultimate adult outlook on life – economic status, personalities of the parents and the child, type of neighborhood, etc. I grew up in the inner city, fairly poor, with a lot of people around me. I played in public parks, went to a large public school, lived in a small apartment, and had to rely on public transportation, as we could not afford a car.

    I now live in suburbia, where I am raising my 2 children. We all live in big houses, families go on nice vacations, most of us drive nice cars, and all of the kids get a lot – sports, clothing, cars, parties, etc. I’m not saying they are spoiled – that would just be another type of prejudice – but they certainly have more than I could have dreamed of as a child.

    So I find it… what?… funny, offensive, annoying, ironic – that these suburban parents assume that I was spoiled and selfish. Not to mention that most of these people are not raising large families – most families I know have 2 children. Do they really think they would be living totally differently if they only had one child – I think not.

    #405

    Emilia Liz

    Dear Linda,

    My (admittedly amateur) advice is that if you’re not 100% sure of doing something, whether it’s having a child, getting married, buying a house, etcetera, don’t do it. But if you’re so upset about being undecided, maybe you (and your husband; how does he feel about this?) could go see a counsellor or psychiatrist to discuss your feelings and come to some kind of resolution, whatever your final decision is.

    I mean I can see some advantages of having another child (having an older child, you won’t have to divide your time as much between the two, the pleasure of enjoying your new child’s babyhood) as well as some disadvantages, like starting everything over from scratch, the higher risk of Down Syndrome, and so on. So maybe you could discuss whether the risks outweigh the benefits or vice versa.

    #404

    Linda Li

    Thanks to all for replying here. When I first found this blog. i was every excited. These days, i am so occupied with the idea of having another child or not that my normal life is greatly disturbed,even my health. I want to forget this idea, but it’s so hard for me. I know clearly that there are advantages and disadvantages for everything. But i just cant control myself from weighing the two sides again and again and again. I know my age is almost a critical point. I don’t know whether i will regret for the rest of my life if i miss this last chance. And I am also afraid that i may make a wrong decision to have another child. For these days, i finish every day with the idea of “no another child”, but begin a new day with the idea of “may be two”. Now i can’t have normal sleep and diet. i am so obsessed with this problem that i begin to hate myself so much. I hate my hesitating. i hate my undeciding. I just want to find a way out so much.
    Anyhow, thanks so much for writing back here.

    #403

    Jamie/Indiana

    I feel that way as well.I will always want to have another child BUt,I need to come to terms and enjoy our son.Who knows if we had another child what will happens until it happens.I am the middle child and I feel I have no father BC I am ignored(the one they have nothing to do)THat being said,I always tell my husband that we need to have another child so that our son will have another family memeber to grow up with.BUT then I need to realize that they may groww up and never speak to each other or the age gap(10 yrs old)may be too much for them.And as I read other comments I begin to think if that was to happen(having another child)we would start all over again and our lives would change dramatically,I am not saying that in a bad way but everything would change.there is one major thing with the economy the way it is,what would happen,would I actually have to get a job,how could we afford a add on to the house,homeschooling 2 kids soooo much more.
    I LOVE THIS BLOG it really helps me realize the truths behing having a only child.

    #402

    marc’s mom

    ah, the “only child myth” or is it a myth? one of my biggest fears is very similar cloudy. that i am raising a spoiled brat. my therapist tells me the very nature of being concerned about it is a great first step in making sure it doesn’t happen that way.
    that said, i do think it’s easier to make allowances and be lenient with one child because they are all you have to deal with. with another kid in the mix, or more than two, there are additional people to consider, likes and dislikes, personalities and requirements. an only child can in turns much more flexible but also much more specific about what he or she needs or wants.
    i would challenge you a bit, cloudy, when you say you worry if you’ll be up to the challenge of raising an only child to not be those things you worry about, that having a second child is absolutely no guarantee that your first will be or act or behave any differently. know what i mean? kids are who they are, from the time they come out of the womb. yes, we shape them, help them understand their world and learn right from wrong. but if you have a spirited child or a little buddah, that IS who they are. my son was born spirited. he’s never ever been still or quiet or slow or thoughtful. not to say he’s unthoughtful, but he’s not pensive.
    anyways, all i’m trying to illustrate is that easy is relative, and challenges come in all shapes and sizes 😉
    i don’t think we need to prescribe to a stereotype and let it lie. i believe that only children can grow into wonderful thoughtful generous human beings.
    really, all i need to do is look at my own family – i’m the oldest, and my middle brother is definitely the most self-centred brat of the three of us. he’s married to a middle child who perpetuates his behaviour with her own. so you don’t need to be raised without siblings to be self-centred and spoiled. having another child is zero guarantee that your daughter will be well adjusted and happy, not to be harsh, but that’s my perspective.
    linda, i think children need to come from the deep, dark desire, weighed against all other aspects of your life. as someone who goes back and forth a lot with this struggle – my own, understand, because the option is off the table in our household – i can relate to WANTING another, i just know it would impact so many other areas of my life in a way that would not be positive. as emilia liz said, and i strongly believe that number of children we have won’t impact our loneliness in old age. the number of siblings we have won’t dictate our pleasure with life. it CAN but there are no guarantees that it’s all positive impact.
    i do believe, and this is what i strive for, that the greatest impact i can make on my son and his upbringing is to find and make peace with my decisions in life and demonstrate to him how a healthy relationship works, and what it means to honour yourself as an individual.

    here’s hoping anyways.

    #401

    Cloudy

    I’ve got a daughter and would like another child, but my husband wants to focus on his career and says he can’t do that with another baby. I work too. Either we’ll start trying in the next six months or we won’t. I’m 42, so even if we DO start trying, no guarantee we’ll have another.

    So I’m trying to come to terms with the idea of having an only child. I’ve just bought a couple of books (including “Joys and Challenges”) and am trying to be open minded.

    But here’s my problem. Of the only children I know who are my age, most ARE spoiled, don’t understand loyalty, and/or wish they’d had a playmate when they were younger. They have other good qualities, but I find (as someone with both full and half siblings) most have a certain selfishness that I think is on the unhealthy side. I’m a scientist and interested in psychology, so I don’t think this is just prejudice. My observation is that there is something there.

    Obviously the fact that I know some where this is not true says that it’s not necessary to spoil an only child or to let them be lonely. But it’s a challenge. I guess part of the question is just how hard a challenge and whether I’m up to it.

    Also, it’s possible that this was a generational thing… that I would find only children in their 20s much better adjusted then the ones I know in their 40s.

    I guess I just want to confirm that the so-called myth of the “only child” isn’t only a myth. Because only if I know that we share this common view can I then build on the knowledge of the community and trust that I will be able to overcome the difficulties and make my daughter the happy and generous person I’d like her to be.

    #400

    Emilia Liz

    Hi, Linda. It is always interesting to hear from people around the world about having an only child. I’m Canadian, and we have a few other Canadians who’ve posted here, but most of us are Americans.

    I can kind of understand your situation: I’m 41 now too, and while I’m pretty sure I won’t be having any more children, at least biologically (I’m open to adoption, even though I know adoption is easier said than done), it still is at the back of my mind that if I want a child, I should have one now.

    I guess my (admittedly amateur) advice to you is only have another child if you want one, not for your existing child, and don’t not have a child just because you think your son is not keen on the idea. As for loneliness, I don’t necessarily think children are a remedy to loneliness in old age; many times children move far away from home, and even if they’re in the same city it doesn’t necessarily mean they will be emotionally close to their parents.

    The one advantage, as opposed to disadvantage, about having a large age gap between your son and any future children is that they won’t fight over things like toys, games, etcetera, and you’ll be able to devote more time to a newborn without another young child demanding all your time too. That’s why even if I did decide to have another child, I would wait until my daughter is at least seven years old.

    I don’t know what the situation is with maternity leave and so on in China. Maybe you could arrange to work part rather than full time, at least during the baby’s first year, if you find your workplace too demanding? But again, I would say maybe you (and your husband) could discuss between yourselves and perhaps other family members or a counsellor (if you have those in China) about whether to have another child and come to a conclusion that way.

    #399

    Linda Li

    Hi,everyone.
    I am now in the delimma. I don’t know whether i should have another child. My situation is that most people here (China)have only one child in their families. I am an ethnic minority and have the right to have two children. But, when my son (13 years old now) was young, the idea of having two children never occured to me because of the difficulties of raising a baby for a working mother and the financial situation. But now with the improvement of financial conditions and the growing up of my son, the idea of having another chid occured to me very often. However, my main problem is that my job, as a teacher in a university in China, is especially demanding. With another baby coming, i wont have enough time to cope well with my teaching. That will put me under greater pressure. And it is not a practice here in China for women (especially teachers) to quit their jobs for having a baby. Most of my collegues at my age can devote more to their teaching and academic researching with a growing up child. Also, my age (41 now)is a consideration. Am i too old to have another baby now? The idea of having a teen when i am in my late fities is somewhat frightening. And i am afraid that the child will not feel good with parents looking like his grandparents. My son doesn’t care much about the idea of having a sister or brother. Most of his friends and classmates are singtons. He is 13 now, so a sister or brother won’t be his playmate because of the age gap. I am thinking about having another child just because i am afraid that six years later when my son leaves us for university study in another city (there’s few universties in my city and not good ones), we might feel very lonely. It’s true that you can not gurantee to have your children to live close to you no matter how many children you have. But the chances are more with one more child. Another reason is that I am afraid my son will regret I didn’t take the priviledge (as a ethnic minority)to give him a sibling when he gets older and when he feels lonely and when he himself has to take all the responsibilies of taking care of aging parents. Am I too selfish to want to having another child at this age just for the sake of having a child with us when our son leaves for his college in the future and just for the sake offering my son a helper in taking care of parents? But on the other hand, am i too selfish not to have another child just for the sake of my job?

    #398

    Emilia Liz

    Hi! I just wrote an article that kind of has to do with having another child. I’ll just print it now.

    Winding down: My journey towards menopause

    About a year and a half ago I wrote an essay about having an only child. I said in it that although I was fairly certain I would not have any more biological children, I had decided against a tubal ligation in the small likelihood I chose to have another baby. Now nature seems to have made the choice for me. I’m going through perimenopause, the phase of a woman’s life just before menopause.

    While menopause is thought of as the complete cessation of menstruation, ironically one of the first signs of perimenopause is that a woman’s periods come more often. My own menstrual cycle, for example, has gone from its previous monthly schedule to between 21 and 25 days. Eventually, though, menstruation becomes less frequent than usual and ultimately stops altogether.

    When I realized that my consistently short cycles were not merely one-time aberrations and that I was indeed undergoing perimenopause, I had to take in the implications of that – beyond of course the temporarily increased spending on feminine hygiene products. The most important question was whether or not I would be able to have another child. My doctor told me flatly that if I really wanted to, I’d better start working on it now. I still appear to be ovulating. However, at my age – I’m 41 and three-quarter years as I write this – the eggs I have left are less likely to be fertilized in the first place and, if they are, more likely to end in miscarriage. Even if I were successful in getting pregnant, there is also the higher risk of Down syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities in the resulting fetus. I don’t relish the idea of being forced to choose between having an abortion on one hand and bearing a developmentally disabled child on the other.

    There’s also the question of the dynamics with my existing child, now three years old. She’s a fairly easy and even-tempered girl (she’s never given me a sleepless night, even as an infant), and we’ve sort of settled into a comfortable rhythm with both of our schedules. But another baby could throw this symbiosis completely off-balance, especially if he or she were not quite as adaptable as my daughter. And no matter how “good” she is, my little one is still after all a little one and I’m not sure I could handle two kids under a certain age at the same time. To paraphrase Mohammed’s advice in the Koran about taking another wife, if you fear you cannot deal justly with two or more, have only one.

    So I’ve, again, concluded that I only want one child, at least for now. I’m open to adopting later on when my daughter is older and less dependent on me. But with the decision to forgo any further biological reproduction comes a certain sadness. It’s a visceral emotion, essentially, as I’m perfectly content with the child I have now and don’t possess any overwhelming urge to procreate at this point. Yet there’s a certain bittersweet feeling that I won’t ever experience pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding again, that I won’t have another genetic child whose looks and temperament and so on I can compare with my daughter’s and say, “That’s where he/she gets it from!” This sadness quickly passes, though. Not only am I satisfied with my daughter, but I “have” a lot of other children – a bevy of nieces and nephews and now a great-niece (the daughter of one of my sister’s biracial sons and his wife).

    I suppose the other thing I must confront in approaching “the change” is the fact that I’m getting older. I remember once when I was working in a hospital as a college student during the summer I had a 60-year-old patient tell me she felt sad seeing the tampon dispenser in the hospital washroom because it reminded her of when she was young. I said most women my age would be pleased NOT to have a reason to use the dispenser. Two decades later, I’m more understanding of her. Over the years I’ve taken my menstrual cycle for granted: even if it could be a nuisance, it was just “there.” But as I know from my older sister, who’s undergoing her menopausal transition right now, and from friends who’ve already passed theirs, life goes on. Not to mention that I’ll be spared from shelling out money for sanitary pads and another IUD!

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