Only Child Project General Discussion
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StacyI too feel the heartache of having an only. She just turned 7. I pray with all my heart and with every ounce of my being that my daughter will not resent us as she ages and will not look back on her childhood and be sad. My sister told me yesterday that she was pregnant. Baby two. Of course i was one of the last to know because of the delicate matter of my not being able to conceive another child. Still bitter. Almost a year after being told we could not conceive naturally I am still angry but I can honestly say I’m happy for my sister. She has a son who is 14 months old and now pregnant again. I am so happy she didn’t wait because as i sadly learned opportunities sometimes don’t knock twice. On a happy note, very happy, my daughter was invited to her first birthday party that was not family related. This warms my heart to see the excitement on her face. My goal is to do the best I can for her and hopefully when she’s older she will understand.
JulieI have a 11 year old only daughter…me and my wife decided to have just one but since the past few months when i see my daughter I get the guilt feeling “who does she have after we pass away”…there could be times when she needs someone to talk to….
LesleyI have one daughter, aged 19, and I must admit that I would have been more inclined to have another child if I had known then what I know now. She was raised by me almost exclusively, as my husband was and is a workoholic. We never had any family close by. My daughter has told me over the years that she never felt much like part of a ‘real’ family. She has always felt she missed out on the big family celebrations, that she didn’t get excited about Christmas because she didn’t have siblings to get excited with, that family things were always very flat. I did my best and she acknowledges that I did, but she can’t help the way she feels. She has always enjoyed being in other people’s households full of people coming and going, full family dynamics etc. She and I both watch the show “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ and it makes us both cry. I copped out when I only had one. I had pre-eclampsia and was in hospital for a month prior to her birth, but I could have had another child. I chickened out and deprived her of a normal family life. I feel an enormous amount of guilt about it. I have a friend that has 3 kids, works full-time and is an amazing mother. All her kids interact well together and they have an amazing, nurturing, family unit. I’ve always been an under achiever, and only having a single child exemplifies that for me. I’m not saying that other people who have onlies are wrong or selfish, or anything of the sort, but I feel this way myself. I do believe that growing up without siblings may have more profound affects than we can predict.
KareStephanie – a little less explaining and a little more imposing a consequence would help. Explaining doesn’t slow a 4 year old down. Tell your child the behaviour is unacceptable, tell her what the consequence will be if it happens again, and then do it. There will be tears and then the behaviour will stop.
NinsenAlthough I’m not a parent yet…god forbid, I’m still in university; I too, was an only child. I will admit, that being an only child does come with its share of challenges, parents of only children need not feel guilty of their choice. Most children I knew growing up had one or more siblings and I remember hearing the constant complaints of lack of personal space, snooping (and oh boy this was a biggie) and disrespect for privacy therefore, having multiple children in a family does not always guarantee happiness. Although your only child will experience his or her share of adversity, rest assured, they will grow up becoming independent-minded, well adjusted individuals (mainly because at a very young age, they learn that they have no scapegoats and that they also cannot get out of doing boresome chores because they have to ‘subjects’ to bestow the work upon). Therefore, all you can do as parents is to be there for your children in times of need and know that you can only do what you can to ensure their happiness…it is up to your child as a person to discover what truly makes them happy.
HeatherAdmin,
I am not sure why I still have these fears. I suppose it is b/c I have a sibling who is 3.5 years younger. We certainly have had our issues, but are close as adults.
As far as aging, I really don’t think anyone can count on their child/children to take care of them. It is just an unfair expectation. We are lucky enough that we are financially secure and are planning for retirement so our son would not have to worry about money. Of course, we would like to spend time with them, but in my opinion, having 2 children does not guarantee anymore security than one. My parents have 2, but they are not planning on us having to take care of them financially. As far as us passing away, I can only hope that our son has his own spouse/partner/family to fulfill his life. Since I don’t really have a choice (in having an only), I try not to stress about this.
Alas, it would not be my choice to have one child, but I don’t believe our son has to have a terrible life because of it. In fact, there are definitly some pluses. He will get more of our attention, will have access to more educational opportunities, and more opportunities in general due to the fact we only have one child to support.
Due to my very long history of infertility and the fact I had cancer 12 years ago, my husband just does not think we need to go through another process such as adoption. I am working on acceptance, but know it will take some time.
Thank you,
HeatherI guess your answer lies in your comment:
“My husband is 11 years older than his sister, so he is much more like an uncle. He just does not have the same fears as I do.”
If your husband doesn’t have these fears, and if you think he turned out ok, then why do you fear for your son?
But I need to remind you of an issue that is sometimes touched upon on this website: What happens when you (and husband) age? What after you both pass away?
There are a couple of articles on those issues.
Thanks for sharing your story with us…
HeatherJust wanted to say I am glad I found this forum. I was up late looking for blogs on only children (not by choice). It took us 2 IUI’s, and 5 IVF’s to have our miracle son. When I started this process, I was 30, I am now 36. With our history, the chances of success with IVF are slim to none and we just don’t think we can handle another “process” such as adoption. Dh has ruled it out, while I am still on the fence. But, unfortunately, we spent much of our savings to have our son.
Our ds is now 2 and is happy as can be. He has loving parents and very involved granparents. I am lucky to be home with him and just do some part time work at home to keep us afloat. We have a good life and I am happy. It is just hard b/c everyone I met when I had ds, is now having a 2nd child. I have tried to explain our infertility story to them, but they don’t understand. How could they? It only took them one or two trys to get pregnant.
I just can’t stand to hear another person say the best gift you can give your child is a sibling or look at my stomach to see if I am pregnant another time. I am so worried that ds is going to be lonely and ask for a sibling. My husband is 11 years older than his sister, so he is much more like an uncle. He just does not have the same fears as I do. Any advice?
Thank you for listening.
Best,
HeatherYes, thank god we all are different- would be boring otherwise. Just her personality maybe. She might change completely when she gets into her teens!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.Angela,
Different children have different personalities. Yours might be the type who loves to be with people. Some love books, some love imaginary games with imaginary friends- they are all different.
As Tammy says, 3 is too young for you to worry about. In fact, many families have kids spaced 3 or 4 years, and the first one is an only for that long.
If you are worried about how it will turn out in the future, please read some other posts where readers have offered suggestions on how to keep their onlies busy.
Toys per se are not bad, maybe you could consider letting him have just one or two toys per play session. That way, he won’t get bored easily.
Arts, library, scheduled play dates…
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