I am the only child of divorced parents. I was raised by mother. My childhood can be described as both lonely, and full of guilt and insecurities. It grew up seeing my mother struggling between her work which provided a decent pay but toxic/unforgiving work environment, and taking care of me. Hearing her complaining about how life is hard towards her made me live in constant guilt, resentment, and fear of future.
As I teenager, things got nothing but better. Anything bad happens, I was the only person to blame. I was given unrealistic goals while described as a failure. Add to that feeling inferior to my peers due to an over protective parent who does not let me even take my own decisions and forces me to endure humiliation on a daily basis.
After getting a job at one of the most prestigious companies in my country, I moved to another city. My mother joined me after that since I felt bad for her living alone. Lately, a job opportunity came out and I will have to leave the country for an extended period of time. She is still relatively not that old (early sixties) but I feel like I can see her aging fast, especially when I see our old pictures. We don’t fight anymore giving the fact that I am paying for the rent and my own needs, or maybe because she is getting older .. I am not sure.
Now I don’t even know what to think. I have mixed feelings..
Sometimes she asks me whether I will leave her to die alone..
I wish she had a better relationship with her siblings, I wish I had someone to share the load with. Sometimes I just think that I have had enough of this burden and constant guilt, and that I should just live my life and create a family and not look back.
What do you guys think?