Only Child Project General Discussion

You can ask questions, post comments and answer other parents’ questions.

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[Nicole]

Melissa – i had 3 brothers and was lonely!!!! Siblings may or may not provide the solution your daughter wants unfortunately. If she is not close to anyone in particular, perhaps she could look into a hobby etc. This is great for a distraction and if this hobby has a club then she might find like minded people there.

Are there other ‘onlies’ in her class? My son had none at kindy, but there are a number in his class at school. I like to point out that he is not the only person with this family structure, also there are all sorts of families with varying numbers.

keep us updated – all the best

[Melissa]

Hey there parents of onlies!

My daughter is 13, and for the last while she has been expressing anger that she doesn’t have a sibling. She says also from time to time that she is lonely. Myself and her dad try to talk with her often to help her draw out of her what she is feeling. We are successful alright! I am glad that she is honest but I literally say to her “well, I understand your hurt but it is not reality to have more kids.” She has friends but no one very close. Sometimes I try to push get-togethers with others but of course this is annoying to a teen….anyone have any advice? It is like a punch in the stomach to hear it, yet at least she is open with us.

I really appreciate this site and all the great comments.
Thanks!
Melissa

[Laura]

I’m so happy to have found this site. We have a daughter who’s almost 5. For years we were content w/our decision to have just one. Lately, I’ve been wavering. Still coming down on the “one” side, but with more angst around the decision. It’s good to have a place where it feels more “normal” to have a single child. I don’t think it’s right to have a second child as a gift to a first and that’s what it feels like it would be right now.

[Anonymous]

I’m amazed at the selfishness of many women who decide to have large families. Kids become teams of “staff” to which they can delegate. Here in the Midwest, (Catholicland-Chicago) the size of one’s family is considered some sort of status symbol. I have friends who have kids 18 years apart. It’s crazy. Often they ignore the needs of the adolescent while building their dynasty of little soccer players. A mother said to me this week that she couldn’t afford to send her child to a great college next year while she is pregnant with her baby brother. As my endocrinologist said to me 18 years ago “the world needs more only children.” Onlies don’t often fit the stereotypes about self-absorbed kids who can’t function socially. Quite the opposite. Onlies tend to appreciate the company of others and to behave with more social respect and non-competitive teamwork than kids who are often neglected while their parents joke about not being able to be in four places at one time.

[Ciec]

Thank you for the comments. I appreciate hearing from others.

Portia – My husband and I are both about to turn 30.

Nicole – I think you are right…leaving the option open for now and we can revisit in the future.

For now I am going to enjoy my daughter and not plan on having anymore, but later on if I feel the desire to expand our family there is always that option. I can only make the decesion based on what is going on at this moment and my life. Time will tell what in the end will happen.

[Nicole]

Ciec – i decided not to have a second for most of the reasons you mentioned above. Bad pregnancy, PND, relationship with husband etc. If you are talking about ‘getting it over and done with’ then perhaps now is not the time to be thinking of it. Perhaps you might be ready in the future and it is an option you can always keep open, BUT if you suffered from PND and are saying this, then perhaps it is not the best time to have another.

My brother has 3 children and they want more……. this is someting that they are sure about and it ‘suits’ them. But, not us. Do what is best for you.

All the best

[Portia]

May I ask your age and your husband’s age? Do you have time to wait and think this over?

[Ciec]

I am writing because I find myself torn about having more children. I have a wonderful 13 month old daughter, who I adore, but is a very hands on, demanding child (from day 1). My pregnancy was not easy(lots of complications), then my daughter had colic for 3 months and I suffered from PPD and in some way I am still working through issues. I am a teacher (who loves children) and have always envisioned having a mutli-child home; however, after having the first I am not so sure. I feel a lot of guilt for feeling uncertain about more children or not want to have more. I worry my decision will hurt my daughter in the long run, will she resent me not giving her a life-long companion(as my brother calls it), will she be lonely, etc…but I find myself wanting another child for all the wrong reasons..
1. just do it and get it over with, so I can be past this part of my life…get to the next step of the children’s development (not a baby person, neither is my husband)
2. to please others (my family and in-laws)
3. because I feel guilty
4. that is what I am supposed to do or what I envisioned my life would look like
5. so she will have a playmate or life-long companion
6. because my husband wants a little boy, but does not really want another girl

…but I do not want another child because I have this aching need to have another. On the flip side there are tons of reasons not to have another….

1. I love my daughter and want to give her a good life
2. Pregnancy did not agree with me (High-Blood Pressure, Water Retention, Placenta Previa, C-Section, PPD)
3. Not a baby person and having a child with colic was very hard on me and my husband
4. Finances do not really allow it…although people say that you do not wait to have children until you can afford it, that you will find the money…I do not want to live so tight to have 2 children that I can not give them meaningful experiences
5. I want to be able to help my daughter more than my parents were able to help me (college, support, time, etc…)
6. To have my own life and time with my husband. I want my daughter to have a full and happy childhood; however, I do not want to lose myself or my relationship with my husband to do it. We had a very difficult transition from married life to family life(who is to say it was not just the colic and PPD, but who is to say that having more children is going to make if fill more fulfilled or feel further apart, because we have less time for one another…I know sounds selfish!)

I just wish there was a magically simple answer! How do I move on? How do I make this decision…if we have another will I feel better? If we decide to have an only…how do I make the guilt or feelings of inadequecy go away?

I want to thank you for this site, because it has eased some of my feelings, but I would love to hear from others who have dealt with this issue or some advice of how to move forward.

[Portia]

My nine year old only child has struggled with having relationships in elementary school as I previously wrote about in this website. I am seeing some silver lining in the clouds. Grace who is shy has not had a BFF like most of the other girls her age but she has been very selective about the kids at school that she genuinely likes. She doesn’t attract toward the kids who are popular necessarily. She likes the kids that are nice to her when she or they make an effort. If they are not nice kids she will tell me and it is clear by the way she tells me that she is choosing not to be with them. She does not view it as they are not choosing to be with her which I think is the healthiest thinking. She has found a little boy her age who is also shy and they play together at recess. Recently, we invited him for a playdate. He and she were so well matched for friendship. They both like Webkinz and they laughed and giggled in what seemed a very equal conversation. These children somehow found each other. Needless to say I am a relieved mother after years of hit and miss relationships. Also, this weekend my daughter received a phone call from a little girl who runs with the popular group of girls. She asked her to spend the night this weekend. We have known this girl for three years but have never been included before. Her mother told me after the sleepover that her daughter who is not an only child is struggling with some of the mean girls in the group she runs with.We talked about how television, including Disney, promotes the girls with attitude. If I had one wish for these children, it would be that they’re parents discuss how to treat others on a regular basis. It is not ok to be mean because you are popular. Everyone deserves respect. The race for popularity should be who can be the nicest not who is best at the exclusive games that seem to be played.
On another note, I thought it interesting this morning that the woman who had 14 children attributed her desire to have alot of children to having been an only child who longed for siblings.I wish to instill in my only child the wisdom that children take a lot of time, attention, and money to succeed in life and they rely on us parents to make sure that we can provide those things to each and every one of them. I wish her well but I think she has bitten off more than most can chew. I hope she was not motivated to be a spectacle so as to make money for her and her children.

[Karen]

How can I find friends for my daughter to play with on a regular basis? Our neighborhood doesn’t have any kids her age. She is 6. My family lives in another state. She has one friend but he lives far away. They see each other during birthdays and occasionally throughout the year.

Also, I can tell she wants friends that are girls to play with doll houses and things. She has so much energy and I stay constantly worn down trying to play with her everyday. I enjoy playing with her and she loves it to but my body isn’t in the shape it use to be when I was a kid. Also, my daughter is very outgoing and loves to interact with people. And she doesn’t like to play alone.

I was an only child and was very lonely. I didn’t develop friendships until I got in Jr. High school and High school. I don’t want her to experience this.

[Author]

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