Only Child Project General Discussion

You can ask questions, post comments and answer other parents’ questions.

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[Emilia]

My best wishes for you and your mother.

[Jr]

I had to rush my mother to the hospital last Sunday by EMS because of a swollen toung,this to me is where the rubber meets the road.Your all alone not knowing what the out come is going to be.I know a lot of you have made fact about children fighting and not getting alone; but the worst thing that can happen to anyone is to be all by yourself in a time like this. The docters don’t know whats going on and your the only one it’s not easy to make it through by yourself.When you have other siblins it give you support and you don’t feel alone. I ask that you pray for my mother and I that we will come through alright.

[Jamie/Indiana]

Hey you all,the group that I opened up on YAHOO isn’t just for Homeschooling onlies.You can join in if you have one child inyour family.It is a great place to talk all the time.
Blessings~

[Jr]

Even tho I don’t know anyone on this site it’s amazeing to know that there are several onlies that fell and do the same as I do. Talking to yourself,playing the TV anything to hear voices. when I was younger I use to watch TV showes with family settings and may like I was one of them trying to fell how it would be with someone other than myself.I wish I could talk to some of you person to person and really unload how I fell.

[Cloudy]

This is one of the most useful posts I’ve seen… thanks!

[MiaFab]

I´m a 36 year old mom of a two year old girl. My husband and I were married for 5 years before we decided to have our first. We always thought we´d have 2 children. No more, no less. We were both 1 of 2 siblings.
I always knew that I wanted to have my kids close together, I wanted them to be able to play together. When my baby girl turned one, I knew the time was coming to start trying to conceive the second one. I dreaded it. I hated the idea. Months passed and I didn´t feel any differently. I was pressuring myself to pick a month when we´d start trying for the second one. And then one day it struck me. “Who says I have to??” And I sat down with my excel spreadsheet and I outlined all the reasons why I didn´t want another child.
1. Finances (I never expected my first child to cost that much!!)
2. Time with my husband (we´d become co-owners at a daycare!)
3. Another 4 years without traveling (this has always been my passion)
4. My weight. (I´ve been battling weightloss my whole life and the post pregnancy weight was the biggest nightmare I´ve ever had to overcome)
5. Time (My spouse and I both have to work and I wanted more time to dedicate to my little girl)
6. My car ( I dont´want to have to spend more money on a bigger one!)
7. My house (Staying at our smaller condo has allowed us to buy a small second home where the 3 of us can spend the weekends!!! An upgrade would have cost us the dream of owning a beach property)
8. Do-Over (The idea of spending another 3 months of NO SLEEP didn´t appeal to me…)
9. Fights- I dont´want to spend my life as a referee like all my friends

And then I went over the reasons why I did want another child
1. The grandparents expect it.
2. To give my girl a playmate
3. To give my girl a companion when my spouse and I are dead

I quieted my mind on those three issues very quickly. I talked to my mom and she was surprisingly receptive. She was totally supportive of me when I told her how I was feeling. My husband dealt with my mother in law. She was just happy to have a granddaughter.

My brother and his wife have a little girl 2 months younger than my girl. I´ve made sure that they spend atleast one hour a day together, everyday except weekends when I make playdates with other kids. That´s going to be her life companion and I will make sure that they grow up together. Farther along in life, I will hope that they continue to be close, but that´s not something I can guarantee.

I can only hope that if I stay fit and excercise regularly I will live long enough to see her married and with a child or children of her own. My spouse and I are also making sure to save enough so that she will not be burdened by us if we should fall ill.

After I made the decision, I found peace, I really did. Sometimes I´ll catch myself looking at a pair of sisters and wondering whether she´ll miss that, but then I think that she´ll have us, her parents more fully. And that in us being happier, she will lead a good life. Could it have been better? maybe, maybe not. But this life she´ll have will be just PERFECT!

[Jamie/Indiana]

I am not in your shoes BUT I really do feel for you and send my LOve to you and your family.
I have been wanting to have another baby off and on for years now and then I chage my mind and so does hubby.I would consider him to get a vasectomy or I would get my tubes tied but then taht SHUTS that OFF!!That is what I probably need so that I QUIT thinking of babies.Our son does ask off and on for a sibling but I really don’t think he understands fully how that will change our family of 3(like upside down.He wants someone to play with and well imaginie him at 15 he won’t want to really play full time with a 5 year old???
I just wish I could be content with having one,I really feel pressured seeing friends with lots of kids all happy but I am sure that they have there moments.
I can’t even guarantee that if he had siblings that they would be friends for life.I come from an older brother and an younger sisiter pluse 3 step brothers and we all live in the same county BUT can’t get along we don’t speak and don’t do hoildays anymore.Lots of family drama and hubby and I have chosen to live happily without all that and they drink and party a lot(grandparents)They even don’t come around anymore,sometimes we bump into them out and about.

So we all can’t see into the future to guarantee anything BC if we could then we would know what was right or not.

I am thinking of starting an YAHOO GROUP FOR ONLIES,any input.We need somewhere to go and chat with each other.
Blessings~

[Audrey]

The one thing I don’t see on this site is that parents of special needs kids often stop at one because that is more than enough to handle. My little one turns 4 this week. For the first 3 years and 3 months I was up 10-20 times per night, every night. There were times when I was up every 15 minutes for weeks on end. I truly am not exaggerating. There were times when the sleep deprivation was so bad that I lost part of my vision, stuttered and had a tremor. And yet people still ask me regularly when we are having a second. And they are so sure that it will be ok this time, really all babies make you tired. I adore my son. But I have diagnosed PTSD from never knowing if he would sleep or stop screaming. Things are just now, after 1.5 years of occupational therapy, uncountable doctors appointments, two types of sleeping meds in combination and 3.25 years of extreme sleep deprivation becoming just a little ok.

I know I repeat myself here, but who does everyone else think they are to tell anyone with an only that their child will not be ok? My child would not have been ok if I had had a second. I could not meet my sons very extreme medical needs, why would I risk the health of a second infant, my sons health and my own health to have another. And yet here I am filled with guilt and putting off my husbands vasectomy – maybe someday two will be ok… But two won’t be ok. I want to have some peaceful time with my little guy – something we have so rarely had due to his medical issues. I don’t want to feel guilty for that. But I do worry. Will he be lonely? This is a big one for me – I have four brothers and countless extended family members and I can’t imagine having grown up without them. We are so close and so much a part of each others lives. but I can’t give him that, no matter how much I wish I could.

Off to bed. Sleep is precious here.

[marc’s mom]

as the time goes on and my son grows older, i find myself more and more accepting of his only status. i also find myself taking back the phrase, if you will, and responding with joy and happiness when i discuss having an only child. i think a huge part of our sucessful family life will be contributed to the ongoing attitude of YES. i know i sound like an infomercial, trying to sell you something on late night television… but it’s true. the more accepting i am of our situation, the more acceptable the situation becomes.

now i get a great deal of help from my child himself who will tell anyone who asks that he does NOT miss having siblings and does not wish for a brother OR a sister. he just likes “mumma, daddy and me”. period. many times, in a guarded effort to ease my own anxiety, i have asked him: do you wish you had a brother? what about a sister? do you like your life? he’s only five, but it matters to me. a lot.

and yes, because he’s only five, i realize that he doesn’t have a clue what he’ll need when he grows up (but really who does?!). but if i tell him now that something is missing, he’ll grow up believing that. and if instead, i focus constantly on what he has, on what a wonderful gift and experience his life is, then that will be the focus. and if he comes to me some day and wishes for more, for a sibling, we’ll talk about it openly and honestly. and hopefully i can help him cope with some of the feelings that that may bring up.

i’ve said this before, but you just can’t know what you’ll get out of relationships when you age. my close friend hasn’t seen his sister in 15 years. they speak once/year around xmas or when/if they have to coordinate travel for their mom. one of my own brothers lives a mere half hour from me and i see him two, three times/year. RELATIONSHIPS are what are important in a person’s life. friends CAN give more than family sometimes. there is no black and white in this debate. only multiple shades of grey …

[Jr.]

All and all after reading these comments it seems that it all comes down to how a person was raised. If you are the only child or a parent of the child and you have people droping in and out of your life off and on you don’t really feel alone because you have someone around. And you also have your alone time where you can unwind and rest. But if not you feel left out. I find myself talking out loud just to hear a voice as if I’m talking to someone.

[Author]

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