This topic contains 235 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by maalvika 11 months, 4 weeks ago.
February 17, 2008 at 1:55 pm #217
You can ask questions, post comments and answer other parents’ questions.
March 28, 2008 at 10:18 pm #731
Exactly my feelings. I know we can not afford fertility treatments and that makes me even more angry and mad and after I’m angry and mad then I’m sad. Either way, I haven’t been the fun and friendly person I usually am. Especially since my boss just went through the same treatment I would have to go through and she just found out she’s pregnant. (She and three of my other coworkers just found out this week that they are all pregnant.) Lucky me.March 28, 2008 at 9:40 pm #730
Stacy – I hear you…..that’s where I am coming from as well. Fertility treatments are extremely expensive and when you have an only child and want another but can’t (especially when ART is the only option one’s got) that’s where a whole myriad of emotions come to the surface – especially the guilt. I wish I could say that I only ever wanted one child and no more…..then I don’t think the guilt I feel for not being able to provide a sibling would be as great as it is.
I would love to see the top 10 answers to “when are you having a second child”…..I never know how to answer that anymore.March 27, 2008 at 8:47 pm #728
Parents, grand parents and aunts don’t make for playmates or friends.
In the absence of a sibling to argue and fight with and later make up, an only child may not know the dynamics of disagreeing and fighting over an issue. They may either fear or shy away from confrontations. Diane confesses to not knowing “how to argue or state her views tactfully” even after she turned adult. Peer quarreling is a valuable ground for the only child to pick up some lifelong lessons.
Outings like visit to museum, park or a zoo will be more interesting and special for the child if a friend comes along.
In the absence of siblings, the only child may look upon her friends as siblings and enjoy positive gains from the relationships.
I copied pasted the above statements that were made in your article. I just couldn’t disagree more with them! My son LOVES his friends but LOVES going on weekend outings without anyone but his dad and me. We have a blast! Maybe if a child’s parents are dull and boring, it’s not much fun for the child, but my son does not need a “fill in sibling” for our outings. I also feel that my son certainly does not need to think of his friends as surrogate siblings! He loves being an only child. In our family we talk very positivly about him being an only child and he knows his parents are happy with the decision and he doens’t ever ask for a sibling or wish he had one. There is NO need to imply to him that a friend “can be like a sibling”..that would be implying in some way that our family is not complete and perfect the way it is. Friends are so important and invaluable for ALL children with and without siblings, but they do NOT have to fill in or be a replacement in the development of a happy child. (unless the child is in a negative home situation, but that’s a whole other story) Lastly I would like to mention that I grew up in a large family and had ample opportunities to “fight” with siblings and I know many other adults that have also. Believe me, many adults that grew up with siblings still hate confrontation and struggle with arguing in a healthy way. We have struggles just like anyone else would. I do think that society loves to look at an only child and are quick to comment “oh, he is like that because he’s an only”. “he’s so mature, spoiled, pampered because he’s an only” but these are all traits a child in a big family can display just as easily. I will always stand strong on the premise that a child learns best from his parents on how to behave, how to argue, how to treat others, how to play fair and even how to share. Friends/peerd are invaluable, but siblings are not necessary in the raising of a healthy, happy completely well adjusted adult. Remember to look at all the dysfunctional adults in society. I can bet a huge majority of them had siblings.
We should all nurture our children and love them and provide them with caring and loving life lessons. make sure they have time to BE kids with other kids and also to have alone time to just be bored and get creative. With or without siblings. 🙂March 23, 2008 at 12:07 pm #726
This is such a wonderful article and website as a whole. I thought I was a 100% sure I wanted an only child, and now I am struggling. In fact, this is what my blog post tomorrow is about.
I don’t think people understand that parents of onlies struggle with these thoughts, it’s not like we just decide, oh, I’m going to have an only child, we carefully consider these things.March 22, 2008 at 10:37 pm #244
I can understand your pain!!!
We had a “top 10″ list of answers to those who insist that you have a second child. It used to be in the discussion forums. We are trying to re-install the only child forum before the end of this month…
In the meantime, may be you should ask them for the money for the treatment. Or ask, for example, Aunt Sally why she had only 4 kids- didn’t she ruin it for them? She should have had 8, just like folks did in the early 1900s.
People just don’t get it- they don’t understand your feelings and inner turmoils.March 22, 2008 at 8:17 pm #724
I needed this website more than anything tonight. Family gatherings are especially difficult when people keep asking, “When are you going to have another baby?”. Guess what? We can’t have anymore babies. We waited for six years to try for another child. When I finally convinced my husband, it was too late. Through fertility testing we have discovered that unless we have expensive procedures performed it won’t happen. So,yes, I’m guilty, angry, and a mix of other emotions. I want to post a note on my head that says “Just don’t ask!”March 11, 2008 at 7:16 pm #721
boyer – there is a great difference between making the definitive decision to only have one child verses someone who has had no choice in the issue because they cannot have any more children. It’s a huge difference, in fact, because one is forced to try and come to terms with the fact that they cannot provide a biological sibling for their only child. The guilt that comes with that is awful. There is no preparation for that and there seems to be more cons than pros of having a single child when the decision is out of one’s control.March 6, 2008 at 7:26 am #719
Rachael Had an Only Too
Over this, over-that- get over all of this nonsense. Good parenting, sensible parenting, makes happy kids, only child or otherwise. I got tired of my in laws frequent interference in what is supposed to be our personal lives. To put it mildly, they are not the best parents.
Last week I told them off, told them to be better parents- more like us. The silence on the other side was, hmmm, how do I say this…deafening. So much for “stereotypes” of only children. I have an only, two other friends have onlies. Beieve me when I say this- they are the best behaved among the lot. They ALWAYS wait for their turn, don’t whine and don’t compare and complain all the time. Self-content is the word I would use.March 6, 2008 at 7:17 am #717
Most people I know or met have told me that having an only child was not by choice, but for medical reasons or age-related.
The ones who chose to have an only child- I mean made a conscious decision to have an only child- are not as guilty as the ones who had no choice. I guess the choice makers were prepared.
Whenever I hear of the pros and cons of having an only child, I always wonder- doesn’t it also depend on whether it was by choice or not.
I would like to hear from others here!March 4, 2008 at 8:32 pm #716
“….is site…seems to be very pro only child”
Maybe I would call it a support site like what “only with Only” points what. But then it is all perception!
I think sibling rivalry alone is enough to want to be an only child. The problem comes when parents get older.
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