Only Child Project General Discussion

You can ask questions, post comments and answer other parents’ questions.

Topic

[Cat]

Amelie – thanks for sharing your story with us. While I don’t have any experience of having a child with medical issues my oldest sister has an extremely rare mitochondrial disease (she is 42 and we just got a diagnosis last year). We did not find out that she was sick until she was 13 and my parents already had three kids so they didn’t have to make any the decisions you are faced with. And, I can say that much of childhood revolved around what was best for my sister and how I could help her out. This used to cause a lot of resentment on my part but now my sister and I are very close and I am thankful for the wonderful relationship we have. As it would be in your family, I protect and take care of my older sister and I am glad that I can be that person for her.

I totally understand that you feel exhausted as I often feel that way with just one healthy child. So, I think that only you know what you can take on and hopefully your husband will understand that too. I don’t intend to have any more children but I definitely have times that a go back and forth in my head and question my choice. I wish you all the best in coming to a decision that is best for your family.

I just wanted to let you know that younger siblings can learn a lot from an older sibling with a serious disease and grow to become very close friends.

[Amelie]

My 3-year old daughter Rose was born with a very rare condition and is trached and g-tube fed. We spent the first year of her life in the hospital. Oddly enough she is on target developmentally and she is the shining star of our lives. She has the best sense of humour and gives us so much joy. I could not dream of a better bond with a child. She is absolutely wonderful. (PS: she is the Passy Muir ambassador: http://www.passymuir.com , her pic is right on the homepage). The thing is: she needs a LOT of care. My husband wants another child but I find myself completely EXHAUSTED. I just don’t think I have it in me to take care of another baby. I know as I am writing this that I have made my decision but I keep going back and forth and back and forth in my head. It is draining. Are there any of you out there in the same situation? Whose first child had a medical condition and had turned your life completely upside down? Did you decide on having another child anyway? Did you have the strength? It’s never spoken about in articles. It’s typically about the mother having medical issues, not the first child. Any feedback would be wonderful.

[Emilia Liz]

Dear LA,

Thank you for your comment. If you want to set up an only child network, you might want to put a notice in your town or city’s Craig’s List or other venue.

I must say that where I live (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), there’s no shortage of only children. But come to think about, in my hometown (Windsor, same province, same country, right across from the American city of Detroit), when I was growing up there were few only children in my classroom, neighbourhood, etcetera. The only one I can remember is a girl I babysat who was adopted. So I presume her parents were probably infertile and couldn’t adopt another child – this was the time in which the supply of “healthy white babies” was drying up.

Speaking of adoption, in theory I’m not totally closed to it. But I’m realistic, and I know my chances of doing so are fairly remote. And I have to admit I’m not a saint, so I wouldn’t knowingly adopt a child who had emotional/mental/psychological issues.

So I’m going on the premise that my daughter will be my only child.

[LA]

I’m so happy to have found this site and I can definitely relate to most posting especially Emilia Liz’s #140. We are also a family of three but most if not all of the families we socialize with are families with several children. I would like for my daughter to know that there are other families out there like ours.

Has anyone tried to set up a Only Child Network and if so do you recommend doing this?

PS. Admin, how do I go about setting up a local Only Child Network ? yourtownname.onlychildproject.com

[Emilia Liz]

Having an Only Child

The other day my mother and I were sorting through my daughter’s old baby clothes. We put them in two piles, one for things she could wear in the upcoming months and another for those she had already outgrown. We debated what to do with the second pile of clothing: should we give it to my brother and sister-in-law, who are considering having a third child; send it out West to my newly married cousin and his wife; or donate it to the Salvation Army or some other charity? For now we’re keeping it on hold. One option that didn’t come up, though, was saving it for me in case I have another baby. It suddenly struck me: my daughter Gabriella Michelle will probably be my only child.

I didn’t deliberately set out to have only one child. Over the years my ideas on family size have changed. When I was young, I wanted four children, just like my mother’s family of origin with her, my aunt and their two brothers. After I got engaged in college, my former fiancé and I pictured a family of two children, a girl and a boy. But eventually I came to like the notion of an only child. This preference was driven home to me by various babysitting experiences and, more recently, by an outing to the park with my daughter, my brother and his two kids. I remember desperately trying to keep Gabriella and my nephew, both fourteen months, in my field of vision as they scampered off in different directions while my brother tended to my niece. To make the story short: I wished I were a bird (most birds have a 360-degree field of vision). I realize I can’t handle more than one small child at once.

An alternative to having an only child is waiting six years or so for when my daughter is no longer so dependent on me. Given that I’m forty years old now, however, by that time there’s a good chance I’ll either be infertile or, in the event of a pregnancy, at higher risk of problems like miscarriage or Down syndrome. In the case of the latter, for instance, I’d rather not find myself pushed into choosing between having an abortion and bearing a Down syndrome child. There are other options besides the so-called “natural way,” namely reproductive technologies and adoption. I’ve never seriously considered the first: while I’m by no means against reproductive technologies, what might be appropriate for, say, a childless couple in their thirties would not feel right for me, a woman over forty with a biological child.

On the other hand, I have looked into adoption more closely. But my chances of expanding my family this way also seem slim. Foreign adoption is expensive, not only in terms of fees for the process itself but in wages lost from time taken off work to travel to the country in question. In addition, my age (and my husband’s; he’s 56) and the fact I already have a biological child would probably place us at the bottom of a prospective adoptive parents list. I’ve explored domestic adoption as well. Unfortunately, most of the kids available here in Canada have emotional and/or developmental problems due to neglect, prenatal exposure to alcohol, etcetera, and I don’t personally feel capable of raising a child with these kinds of issues. (Of note, I once ended a relationship with a man with manic depression partly for fear any children we would have might inherit his condition.) On one website I examined there was a single child I would have considered adopting – a beautiful East Indian girl with a purely physical handicap – but lo and behold, the next time I checked the site she was gone, placed with a family. And I’m sure that if I had applied to take her I would have been competing with other families viewed as more suitable than mine, for the reasons mentioned above.

So now I basically have come to the conclusion that I’ll probably have only one child in this lifetime. Most of the time, I think of the positives in this. They include being able to spend more time with my daughter, in volunteer activities, and at solitary endeavours such as writing this article. The extra time with my daughter has created a special closeness between us (not that parents with two or more children can’t be close to each one of them). For me, it’s not so much the “quality time” that I cherish but rather the simple things like singing with her as I do the dishes, carrying her around the neighbourhood in my “pouch” (Baby Bjorn), and reading her the stories she loves. I also appreciate the fact I don’t have to deal with trying to divide myself between two small children who both need my attention, worrying about money, or breaking up sibling squabbles. Don’t get me wrong: I admire people like my brother and sister-in-law who can handle two or more small children at one time. I just don’t know if I could do the same.

With any decision, whether it’s living without children, having only one child, or reproducing a la Michelle Duggar, there are pros and cons. On the rare occasion I’ll get the urge for a second baby, small and sweet like my little girl. My biggest questions, however, have to do with my daughter herself. Am I harming her by depriving her of a brother or sister? My mom once told me the good thing about siblings is that they are still there when your parents are gone. One book called siblinghood the longest-lasting bond. On the practical side, if I become incapacitated in my old age will my daughter resent not having someone else to share the burden of caring for me with? Overall, though, I’m confident she’ll be fine. I’ve researched the academic literature on the effect of being an only child versus having siblings, and it’s been fairly reassuring: some studies show only children do better than their peers; others suggest they suffer disadvantages; and still more find no difference between the two groups.

Of course my lifestyle is not for everybody. Though I don’t like societal attitudes that label parents of onlies as “selfish” or only children as “spoiled brats,” I don’t have any problem with the two-child family being the norm. And I can’t entirely rule out the possibility that I might have another child, either biologically or by adoption. But in all likelihood I will remain a mother of one, and I am content with this.

[adminKeymaster]

Here’s Wishing all Parents and Onlies a very Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May you find happiness and fulfillment in 2010!!!

[Moustachue]

Elissa, I find your story very interesting, how you started out by thinking you would have 5 kids. A lot of parents make specific plans before having their first child and then everything changes… If you are confident in your decision, it’s probably the right one for you.

[Cat]

I am writing today because I need some advice on how to handle a particular situation. My mother-in-law was an only child and she seems to still have a lot of anger and resentment about it. She always talks about “my second child” or “how such and such will be different with number two” and I always tell her the same thing: We are not having any more kids. Then, she makes comments about how I can’t do that to my current child or how that’s just wrong or how I will change my mind.

I actually have a good relationship with her and in most other ways she is helpful and supportive. I realize that her feelings here have a lot more to do with her issues then with mine but I still want her to understand that her comments are not appropriate. I believe that she would stop saying things like that if she knew they hurt me. However, I just can’t seem to get up the guts to tell her that.

Has anyone ever had to have this conversation? Please give me some advice on what I can say to smooth over this situation and not mess up our otherwise good relationship. Thanks!

[Elissa]

Hi guys, this is such an awesome site! I have googled ‘only child’ so many times, searching for others out there who have a family of three and expderience similar feelings to me.

I come from a large family, I am the eldest of 4 girls. I love all my sisters so much and 2 of my sisters are my best friends. I loved my childhood as part of a large family.

When DH and I got married and started trying for a bub we planned on having 5 kids. It took way longer than expected to get pregnant and when I had morning sickness we decided on 3 kids. Then in the last few weeks of pregnancy I declared I would only ever do it one more time,so it was decided we would have 2 kids. The night DS was born I was really looking forward to doing it all over again one more time.

When DS was 3 weeks old, he got sick and ended up having surgery and staying in hospital for a few days. While DS was in surgery (it was also my birthday) DH took me shopping to try and keep our minds off the surgery and our tiny boy. On the way back to the hospital we were standing at the traffic lights, we turned and looked at each other and said at the same time “no more babies”. We promisedourselves we would never put ourselves through this kind of pain and stress ever again.

When DS was 18 months old I was finally diagnosed with PND and ended up needing medication. I am still on the medication, and DS is now 3.5 years old. I love being a mum so much and DS is just the bestest, however I really dont believe our marriage could handle another child. At the moment we are so happy just the 3 of us. DH and I are starting to have lots of time together, lots of date nights, DS is so self suffucient these days.

I get clucky A LOT, and deciding whether or not to have another bub has been agonising at times, but I have recently come to the realisation that the reasons I want another child arent good enough to bring another child int o the world. I want a cute little baby to dress up and show off and nuggle and smell. However I dont want the sleepless nights and I dont want to have more children to deal with on a daily basis.

Luckily this year 2 of my sisters had baby boys so now I know that DS will always have his cousins, I know that they will all grow up with a sibling like relationship as we sisters are very close and catch up on a weekly basis if not more and we all babysit for each other.

DS is such an outgoing little boy, always making new friends where ever we go. He will find a playmate all the time, he just walks up to kids and says “will you be my friend?” then he has a little friend for the rest of the day!

DH and I plan to have an open house policy. DS will be able to have mates around when ever, sleep overs all the time. He will be given the option of inviting a friend when we go on holidays.

We are lucky that I come from a large close knit extended family, so he has lots of little kids to grow up with, I know he will never be alone or lonely.

ANyway, that is my story in a nutshell

Thanks for such a supportive site

[adminKeymaster]

Ladies: Please share your experience with others. This is a free site, and we would like to keep it that way.
Thanks!!

[Author]

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