Only Child Project General Discussion

You can ask questions, post comments and answer other parents’ questions.

Topic

[Emilia Liz]

My only advice would be don’t have a second child for the wrong reasons, one being the idea that if you don’t your daughter will have a deprived childhood. Plenty of only children turn out to be very happy people, and in my view a child should be wanted for his/her own sake and not to provide a sibling to an existing one. As for pleasing your family and in-laws, ask yourself this question: are they going to help raise the second child (i.e. stay up all night with a colicky baby, etc.)?

But if you decide to have a second child for yourself, that’s perfectly fine too. But don’t do it for anyone else, including your child, family, friends, etcetera.

[Ciec]

I am writing because I find myself torn about having more children. Almost a year ago I was in the same place that I am in now. For a time I was able to quiet the battle in my head about having more children. I was content with one and the thought of enjoying her childhood and not worrying about doing it all over again, etc…BUT as of late everyone around me is having # 2 or # 3 (school, neighborhood and church) and I am all of a sudden uncertain again. I feel a lot of guilt for feeling uncertain about more children or not want to have more. I worry my decision will hurt my daughter in the long run, will she resent me not giving her a life-long companion(as my brother calls it), will she be lonely, etc…but I find myself wanting another child for all the wrong reasons..
1. just do it and get it over with, so I can be past this part of my life…get to the next step of the children’s development (not a baby person, neither is my husband)
2. to please others (my family and in-laws)
3. because I feel guilty
4. that is what I am supposed to do or what I envisioned my life would look like
5. so she will have a playmate or life-long companion

…but I do not want another child because I have this aching need to have another. On the flip side there are tons of reasons not to have another….

1. I love my daughter and want to give her a good life
2. Pregnancy did not agree with me (High-Blood Pressure, Water Retention, Placenta Previa, C-Section, PPD for over 15 months)
3. Not a baby person and having a child with colic was very hard on me and my husband
4. Finances do not really allow it…although people say that you do not wait to have children until you can afford it, that you will find the money…I do not want to live so tight to have 2 children that I can not give them meaningful experiences
5. I want to be able to help my daughter more than my parents were able to help me (college, support, time, etc…)
6. To have my own life and time with my husband.

I want my daughter to have a full and happy childhood; however, I do not want to lose myself or my relationship with my husband to do it. We had a very difficult transition from married life to family life(who is to say it was not just the colic and PPD, but who is to say that having more children is going to make if fill more fulfilled or feel further apart, because we have less time for one another…I know this sounds selfish!)

I just wish there was a magically simple answer! How do I move on? How do I make this decision…if we have another will I feel better? If we decide to have an only…how do I make the guilt or feelings of inadequecy go away?

I am writing because I need your ADVICE – Help!!! How do I quiet my mind and others that question having an only child?

[Emilia Liz]

Yes, in Canada the terms “South Asian” and “East Indian” are interchangeable. Also, they refer to people not just from India but from Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Pakistan. In Toronto, where I live, there is a big South Asian neighbourhood with shops, restaurants, etcetera, but you can generally find Indian restaurants anywhere in the city.

I just wanted to say that in a lot of Western countries we have seen fertility rates fall rapidly. For example, Italy, where my father was born, has about the lowest birth rate in Europe, if not the world. But often people have this idea that Italians have huge families, number one because they’re Catholic, two because movies like The Godfather tend to reinforce that idea. So the West has changed a great deal too.

[reema]

Emilia Liz , what do you mean East Indian population ( do you mean South asian?).

[Mary]

basically it seems to me looking at the above that we have3 types of situvation
1) people who are okay with 1 child and just find other people too snoopy
2)People who are trying to decide on the 2nd child
3) People who want to have another and are trying hard for it.

I think i belong to the 2nd category. So i am asking if there are anyone who grew up alone and what was the experience like .

[reema]

Thanks both of you to answer my question. I live in Mumbai ( one of the bigger cities of India). Things have changed a lot for us in the past 15 years. My mother in law had 5 children and nearly 20 years differnce between the 1st and last. She had only basic education (10th grade)enough to read and write and than complete Home science course which basically teaches you to be a good housewife and mother and cook a variety of cuisine.
But today things have changed in India that most women do not marry till 27-30 and usually are carrer women (not working ladies) and have kids when they hit 30/ 31 . Unlike in the west , we have moved at a very fast spedd (1.5 generation) and no one really knows the consequence of having an only child (34% population in cities choose that). We are increasing looking towards the west for our answers….

yes to answer your question only old ladies ask these question ..others just dont ask you (they probably do wonder)…but in cities people are too tactful to be caught like that. Hence they never ask directly atlest

[Cat]

I live in New Orleans and I would say that people down south tend to have larger families (but maybe it just seems that way to me). We really don’t know any other families of three like us (by choice). I am sure they are out there but we just haven’t met them yet. All our friends have already had second kids or are trying at least and they constantly wonder/question out loud when we will do the same. Sometimes I actually get the impression that they think we really are trying to have another kid but don’t want to say anything until after we’re pregnant – even though I am very serious when I say to them, “No more kids for us, we are happy just the way we are.”

[Emilia Liz]

To Reema, I live in Toronto, Ontario, Canada (where we do, by the way, have a large East Indian population). I was just wondering: where you are, have you faced any criticism, disapproval, etcetera, for having an only child? I like to think in Canada things are getting better, but you’ll still hear the occasional “Oh, how selfish you are to have an only child” or “You’re raising a spoiled brat,” etcetera. I just let it go over my head, but some people still think they know what’s best for everybody else…

[reema]

This forum is quite useful and i am glad i found it. if you mind would anyone share where they are coming from. Culture and geography can make a differencd. I belongto India BTW

[Amelie]

Cat – thank you so much for your response. I think what worries me the most is that Rose cannot be put in daycare or dropped off in school like other kids. We tried home care nursing and are giving up. For multiple reasons we’ve seen 18 nurses come and go through our house within 2 years. We are done! So my husband had to quit his job and is now home to take care of Rose (it made more financial sense). For safety reason Rose can only be left with either me or my husband. Currently my husband stays in school with her. As things stand, we are barely getting by on one salary… How could we possibly take care of another baby? If we had another child, we would not be able to afford daycare for that child. My husband would have to stay home with Rose and the baby. Rose would not be able to go to school… She LOVES school. This is crazy! I am racking my brain and cannot find a solution! And I can’t ignore the fact that Rose has reached her two million dollar lifetime cap on my health insurance. Yes, you read that right: our monkey has had over two million dollars in medical bills. She is now on private health insurance. She is “sick enough” that her monthly premiums are covered by the state. The day her trach will be out (when?), she will no longer qualify and these $560/month will come out of our pocket. Also she cannot be left alone at night so either my husband or I sleep with her. My husband and I have not slept in the same bed for months! We have been juggling multiple surgeries and procedures (she has been close to 50 times under general anesthesia – her longest reconstructive surgery was 12 hours long). She still has 13 doctors and surgeons following her. Even though Rose is now stable, we are still in survival mode and cannot imagine more chaos in our lives.

[Author]

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