Only Child Project General Discussion

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[marc’s mom]

sooooooooooo interesting to me how i can feel so distinctly and strongly, two different ways. Emilia Liz, what you wrote, about not being prepared to risk what you have, that is me to a tee. i am not prepared to risk what we’ve worked so hard for!
and yet, onemomonedadonechild writes about her friend giving her the epiphany … and she realized she really didn’t want to be someone else’s mom. well, i would NEVER give marc up for anything, but i could be mom to another, i know in my heart of hearts, i could love another child as much as i love marc. i just don’t think i could also have room or time or energy to love my husband, or – even more importantly – myself – the way we need to be loved and cared for. and i am nowhere near as good at taking care of myself as i should be. again with the guilt, but also quite literally not having the time, and not having the time to figure out how to carve out the time. and i think all this and realize, MAN i would be a fool to have another child.
the other thing onemomonedadonechild writes that really strikes me – nothing is missing. i feel something is missing, but again, it is not necessarily a new baby, it is more likely the contentedness that seems to elude me. i do want more than what i have, but i’m starting to allow myself the space to recognize that it doesn’t have to come from mothering a second child. in fact, if i ever want to truly connect with and support my self again in a meaningful way, i am far better off to look in ALL other directions, than that one.
it never ceases to amaze me how i can work through little bits of this at a time and find a new way to be okay with it. i am realizing more and more how much of my feelings are tied to longing for OTHER things as well, far beyond another child. things like moving back home, continuing to grow my career, and finding new creative outlets.
thank you to those who’ve written before, and since i posted. there’s no doubt this site has brought me support and encouragement in a very short period of time.

[OneMomOneDadOneChild]

For those of you in agony about the choice to have another, I can only say I was there in Jan-June 2009. It was horrible. Every day, every night, the question of whether to have another or not. It definitely wouldn’t have been our desire to have another child for our sakes. It would have been a decision made solely not to deprive our child of a sibling. We went through all the pros and cons above. My husband was very at peace with one child. But I was really torn. Then, one magical day in June, I was talking to a friend of mine who has one biological child and who was adopting another. She said the magic words that finally pushed me off of the fence: “I want to be someone else’s mom.” And I thought, “Wow, I really don’t want to be someone else’s mom. I’m very happy being my child’s mom and if she is the only child that ever makes me a mom, that is perfectly wonderful.” And from that discussion, I was finally able to put down the decision and move on. I have never looked back. Our child has asked for a sibling less than a handful of times and I feel that there is no strong desire (at least at this point) for a sibling. Her life is full and good and she knows she is completely loved and accepted by her parents and that NOTHING IS MISSING. We talk to her about the pros and cons of being a single child. We’re up front about not having to have her toys broken, but also not having a go-to live-in playmate. We have made our decision with open hearts and a desire for the best life for ALL of us. We are one mom, one dad and one wonderful child.

[Emilia Liz]

Hi, Emma. Happy to see yet another Canadian here (and I’m happy we attract people from all over the world too). I understand somewhat what you are going through, even though my situation is not comparable to yours. Though I’ve rationally decided I only want one biological child (as I mentioned, I haven’t ruled out adoptioni, but my chances of being able to adopt are probably remote at best), sometimes I have the longing for another (biological) child. Even though I might not be able to do so (I’m 41 and going through what might be premature menopause), even though I couldn’t deal with two small children at once, and even though if I want another biological child I better do so now. But then I ask myself this and say no, I’m not prepared to risk what I have now and go off my birth control and try to conceive and disrupt the equilibrium in my household. But sometimes I still get the urge for another, even though that urge doesn’t come too often.

I just want to say: don’t feel guilty about not having another and “giving” your son a sibling. If another child would negatively impact your relationship with your husband, would that benefit your son? Of course you might someday decide to have another – but don’t do it because you feel guilty. From what you are writing here it sounds like your son is happy the way things are.

[marc’s mom]

i’m not entirely sure i’m doing this right … other forums i’ve belonged to were set up differently, but i’m looking to hook up with other parents of only children and this seems to be the place to do it! so, here goes!

my name is emma, i live in vancouver, bc, canada. i am 38. my husband is 52. our son marc turned 4 in january. marc is an only child. recently, in a group setting introducing myself and my family situation, i said “my son is an only child and will remain so because my husband and i decided we wanted to stay married.” everyone (all moms) laughed, WITH me, not AT me, and commiserated. i laughed a bit back, but reiterated that it wasn’t a joke. after several years of therapy – both as a couple and individually for me – we have come to the conclusion that adding another child to the mix would be the proverbial straw on the camel’s back of our marriage. we have never tried to have a second child, we do not know if we would struggle or triumph. we will never know.

this is not a decision that we made lightly, although i will clearly state that my husband was the driving force behind it. our son is incredible, lively, interested, intelligent, curious, sweet, loving and adventurous. he is also what “they” would call a spirited child. he does everything with a gusto that can be overwhelming to put it mildly and his constant need for attention and interaction are exhausting. he’s well suited as an only child; and in spite of recent requests/curious inquiries about having a brother, i do believe he’s going to live a rich life full of promise.

and it’s SO important to me that his life be rich and full and good and fun. not a struggle. not full of strife. not weathering yet another screaming match between his stressed out, exhausted, over-worked not-so-good-at-caring-for-themselves-or-eachother- parents. so because we have worked so hard to overcome our differences and our parenting challenges and our communication breakdowns, it seems incredibly counterproductive to bring another child into our family and start the entire process anew. disintegration of the relationship and all …

but some days i struggle horribly, pining desperately for another child. i never planned to be the mother of an only. i don’t know if i would feel worse or better if we HAD tried and failed. the longing is there, regardless of the reasons. but accompanying the longing is the knowledge that we truly have made the best choice for US as a family. i live a strange and interesting balance between the two states of mind. recently, for example, my brother and his wife had their second son. were i to do it again, i would so want another boy. and there they are, with two sons, just what i want. i am jealous, i will admit it, to almost everyone but them (but that’s another story altogether) and i feel achingly sad that i will never again feel the swell of my growing belly, suffer the incessant nausea and heartburn, feel those fluttery movements that give way to hearty kicks and punches. i will never again feel that overwhelming power of the contraction, experience a birth, feel my child’s head pushing out of my body, nurse a newborn, or smell that incredible, intoxicating scent of a new baby’s head.

and then i look at my son and husband, similar heads bent in concentration over the colouring book; hear his triumphant shout as my son scores on daddy’s “nhl in the living room” net; and i feel a great sense of pride in our decision. we did NOT go blindly into that good night. we did not just choose to throw caution to the wind and see what would happen. we methodically and purposely analyzed our situation and came to the conclusion that makes the most sense for all of us.

and for some reason that is where the guilt comes in. wow … interesting … i don’t think i ever wrote that out before, which makes me wonder if i’ve never quite realized it this way before … okay so, i feel guilty because i am choosing my marriage and myself over a second child. i really feel like we have two choices: give marc everything we can as an only child; OR give him a sibling. what happens after that, there’s no guarantee. we can and DO, do one kid amazingly well. it is our intense fear of what the second would do to us, that has led us to this final choice.

my husband lives contentedly with all of this. he is very happy with this decision, with our lives. I am jealous of that, of his ability to just accept. but i also hope to learn from him, to draw some of that comfort, that okay-ness, into myself, and move toward ultimately living in and with it, on a daily basis, without having to weather the extreme ups and downs of wanting what i will never have.

ultimately we will return to southern ontario, where my parents (all 3!) are, my husband’s small but warm family, and my crazy huge extended clan of aunts uncles and cousins on my mom’s side. returning home to family and long-time friends will change things again, shift our focus outside of our threesome, where it is firmly placed often i believe, because we are alone here, without much family (and those local do not strive to include us). so down the road, our world will expand beyond our daily lives, and with that change and broader perspective, i look forward to what I believe will be the final stages of true acceptance of my son, as an only child.

[Jamie/Indian]

153/Ciec
You have hit the spot with all of the above.My name is Jamie,from Indiana.My husband and I always! said “ONLY ONE CHILD” BC of the way both of us grew up,very dis-functional,we wanted to give our son the best of this world.All the love that he needs.I had a very bad pregnacy.
1.hard to get pregnant(clomid)got pregnant on day we were not to,
2.Blood Pressure,Bed Rest
3.I was in the doctor office every week
4.Started having contraction to soon.
5.Family made me crazier during the pregnancy
6.I BLEW up full of water.
7,Delivered almost 2 months early
8.No complications during pregnagny son was healthy.
9.PPD very very bad,I didn’t want anthing to do with my own child(HOW could thi sof happened to me)
10.I became very angry over him crying he wouldn’t breastfeed.He wouldn’t take bottle for me.My hubby stepped up,bless him!
11.He had his nights and mornings mixed,so he never slepped.
12.WE went through 3 different formulas.
13.Even my mother was no help!she couldn’t keep him at the house while we moved dor 1 hour.By the time we got home she was holding him at the door waiting for us,BC he was crying.
I could keep going,we are always going back and fourth to have another or not,I try to think of all the reasons to and not to.I am the one who really does and I really don’t know WHY,maybe BC I want a baby to dress and cuddle and a litttle but BC I want to be pregnant(sorta)Hubby is finally on board but I am always trying to convince myself NO.Wha tis goin on.I really thing I need a doctor or a book to tell me no!WE homeschool and I am not for sure if Icould handle another kid to school at the same time and the age gap my son is turning 10.We are finally getting on the financial track that we want to be.Our son is not spoiled,he is very thankful and respected.He gets comments all the time onhis behavior.I want to be there for him all the time and support whatever he decides to do in life.
I am sorry for gabbing on and on,Iam so happy to find this place.
http://meadowcreek-tobin.blogspot.com/
Here is my blog please feel free to visit us

[Emilia Liz]

Dear Des,

You shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting another child. And I would ask the people who say your daughter needs a sibling whether they’re willing to stay up all night with a colicky baby if you have one. I’m kidding here of course, but the fact is that they’re not the ones who would be raising your second child.

And you’re right that siblings don’t always get along – or maybe they won’t fight, but they might not be particularly close either.

I also think children should be wanted for themselves – not to provide a sibling for an existing child, to “save” a breaking marriage, etcetera. So it sounds like you’ve thought well and hard about why you don’t want another child and come up with some good reasons for yourself.

[Des]

Wow! I love this site! Ceic, I feel like your 5 reasons could’ve been written by me too! What a difficult decision this is; to have one or to have more? I am the same I do not want anymore children but the guilt weighs on me. We have close family friends who have an only child, one daughter who just graduated from University, she is a happy well rounded, adjusted young woman. When I think about all the reasons people tell me my daughter needs a sibling they just don’t make sense to me.
I have one brother, we’re not that close, we live near eachother but only see or talk when we are at our parents house, there’s no hostility, we just aren’t that close. We have different lifestyles and values. Also I have always felt that my mom has favored my brother, this has hurt me very much and I do not want my daughter to ever feel this way. And I have always wanted a sister :)so I think, no matter what you have in life, or in your childhood, you always seem to want something different.
My main reason for not having another child is that I do not believe I would be able to do a good job raising more than one, I think it is going to be a difficult job through the teenage years, and I want to be able to focus my energy on my daughter and I want a life with my husband too. I don’t think I could have more than one and do it well.

[Emilia Liz]

Hi, Janice. I’m not that far away from you; I live in Toronto. About your son wanting a sibling, I think it’s easier to resist pressure to have another child from family members, in-laws or even a spouse than it is from a child. On the other hand, you have to remember that it’s not your son (or in my case my daughter) who will be raising a second child; it’s you and your husband who will. So don’t have another child out of a sense of duty or guilt. That’s my view, anyway.

[Janice]

Wow, I found you! I have been thinking for so long about whether I could find a place where I could “talk” about my guilt feelings of having only one child. My son is one of the happiest 4 year old boys I have ever seen. My husband and I love him to bits and are very close and strong family unit. The only thing is that he does ask for a sibling and with his personality I feel fairly sure he would love one. Only thing is that my husband and I both have no desire for another one. Is it right to have a child then for my child? Sometimes I think if I did it I would love that child regardless and give my son what he probably deserves. Any others out there feeling the same? and what have you decided if at all yet?

Also, any single child families in Barrie, Ontario looking to hang out with another single child family? we find that friends with multiple children don’t have as much of an interest to do things with other kids on week-ends and such since their kids have each other, so we are trying to find a way to connect to another family like us.

[Cat]

Dear Ciec,Your list of 5 wrong reasons for having a child could have been written by me too. I completely understand where you are coming from. Most of the time I feel content with my decision to have one child but sometimes I get overwhelmed by guilt or inadequacies and I just don’t know what to do. My first pregnancy was unplanned but it was a wonderful and welcomed surprise at the time. If I were to get pregnant again, I think I would definitely be okay with it. But, actually sitting down and deciding that you are ready to be pregnant for someone like us is a torturous mental experience. I just tell myself that the only good reason to have another child is because I want that child. And, until I can say that with certainty I will continue on being the mother of one wonderful daughter.

I hope that this helps you to find some peace with your decision

[Author]

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